I couldn’t help myself

I really couldn’t. People seemed to get so excited by this picture that I became hooked. The emails started coming in and let me tell you, they are addictive to read. Not wanting the fun to end, I went and posted the picture and the explanation (hammed up a little) on a very famous website. It was immediately accepted and well, the email started poring in. Some are outrightly hostile. Most are fun. A lot are just plane weird. See for yourself:

Hostile?

(no subject)
All I have to say is close the hall window and the closet or tie down whatever is blowing so it won't be detected as movement.
(signed)

>>My Response:
Hall window is painted shut (old house).
There is nothing hanging in the hallway, or on any of the walls upstairs for that matter (have lived here less than 4 weeks).
Unless the paint on the walls turns to fabric during the working hours, I can't imagine what could possibly be blowing.

Friendly

saw photo on coast to coast
Hi there.....interesting photo. The first thing I saw in the picture was HOMER SIMPSON!
Maybe I watch too much TV (or my husband does, cause he loves that show!)
But to me this image is the same color as Homer, and even has the beard color, and it looks like one large eye above the beard, and a slightly protruding stomach, although not as large.
What do you think?????

This is just my opinion, lol.

(signed)

Very interesting ghost picture
Michael,
Excellent picture. You may have just inspired me to try the same thing, though my house does not have nearly the history of yours. In your description you said you lived by a cemetary in Iowa City. It wouldn't happen to be Oakland Cemetary?

http://www.icgov.org/documents/oaklandhistory.pdf

Even if not, since you live in Iowa City, I'm sure you've heard of the Black Angel in Oakland. I made the obligitory visit when I was in college on a late fall rainy night. Pretty creepy. I touched the Black Angel and am still living 14 years later. Of course I was backed by some friends and a beer or two. I would be too spooked to try it today.
Good luck on your ghost hunting,
(signed)

ghost
Have you checked the past history of the house. It could be someone might have died in that room..That would have freaked me out.
(signed)

Your picture
Hi!
I viewed your picture on Coast to Coast Am. I just took it and viewed in Adobe PhotoShop 5.0. It's for sure a kid. It looks to be a girl, but could be a boy. I think I see short hair? The left arm looks like it's holding something?

I live in a haunted house, so I will look into purchasing this system. Thanks for explaining on what you used.

Great job!

(signed)

ghost photo
Hi,
I saw your ghost photo on the coast to coast site.
Very interesting. I have been doing some enhancement work with this image and was wondering if you might have a pic of the same shot without the apparation to compare?
Thanks,
(signed)

Webcam pic on Coast to Coast
Hi. I have just seen your brilliant webcam capture on the Coast to Coast website... I think it looks like an apparition too, have you thought about sending it to the guys at Ghoststudy.com? I most definitely would if I'd have captured a picture like yours on my webcam... what a brilliant capture!! I'm really envious!!

(signed)

apparition
Dear Person -
Holy Crap! You are more brave than I am. I have a wee fear of the unknown. Your webcam security system is brilliant by the way. Have you got an opinion of what that is, or are you trying to avoid premature conclusions? I think it is a silly leap of logic to assume what appear to be ghosts are necessarily dead people. Maybe some are and maybe not. I think "ghosts" are more likely to be a unknown curious life form - an animal - that may be just outwitting us. Humans aren't as smart as we wish we were. You outwitted this one it seems. Do you see anything on top of its head? Are there a pair of fuzzy antennae or horns there in your eyes? Whatever it is, the camera didn't imagine it, and it appears to be sneaking a peek in your office. I wonder what it is up to, and I sure do hope you figure it out. Good luck.
(signed)

Coast to Coast picture
Hello,
We saw your picture on Coast to Coast http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page1078.html and we would like to post this on our website if it is okay with you. You would be given full credit, and it would appear exactly as it does on C2C. Please let us know asap.
Thank you,
(signed)
Will County Ghost Hunters Society
www.aghostpage.com

Coast to Coast photo
Michael,

I just wanted to say neat photo, whatever it is! There's so many images posted here that are obviously shadows, dust or lens flare, that it's pretty cool to see something that doesn't fall into any of those categories.
Your set-up sounds terrific. I'll bet the hair on the back of you neck really stood up when this email popped in! I love the automated motion sensor that emails you. Very clever.
I posted a hand shaped cloud on Coast to Coast a while back and I was astounded at the number of emails I received about it, and people's perceptions of it. I'll bet you've had more than a few comments about this one already. I look forward to the next installment, should your little "entity" decide to pose for you again!
Regards,
(signed)

Your ghost photo...
Hi Michael,

I would love to add your "ghost" photo and story
that is posted on the "Coast to Coast AM" website
to my new ghost website. May I post it to my site?
It's still under construction but I would love to have
your photo as the first photo I add to the "Photos"
section of my site. I've seen a few other photos
with similar looking phenomena and would like to
see if anyone might know what it could be.
http://spin-ghosthunters.com

Thank you and I would love to know if you ever
catch anything like this again with your web cam!

Best wishes,

(signed)

Ghost pic
Michael,

That ghost photo on C2C sure looks like the real thing. I do a lot of photo editing on Photoshop so I can usually spot a phony setup.
I am definitely looking forward to any more of shots of the ectoplasmic child.
Incidentally, yours was an excellent detailed narrative of the whole event.
(signed)

Regarding your ghost photo
Hello,
I found your photo extremely fascinating. When I first saw it I was actually scared because I have experienced a ghost that looks exactly like that. My sister and I actually saw it with our own eyes in our house! Talk about freaked out. I didn't see it completely but I saw it run, it was like a flash but it looked like the one in your picture.
The freakiest part about it was that I heard it's footsteps as it ran into my mothers dresser and disappeared! My sister experienced the same thing. She was watching our brother one night alone and he was napping on the couch, she turned her head because she heard something (what she thought was our brother who is 3 by the way) walking towards her. She saw it out of the corner of her eye and she actually asked it was was wrong thinking it was our brother.When she turned to look at what she thought was him it wasn't there. Your ghost looks exactly like it if we had seen it in full image. it had lite skin and lite hair just like your ghost and my brother. I just thought I'd share because I was
really freaked out by it. I haven't seen the ghost in a while thankfully!
Hopefully it doesn't come back now, LOL!

(signed)

Ummm?

Ghost Pic
Suggest you run a tape recorder in the area and see if you get any “EVPs” (ghost recordings)...

(signed)

(Check out http://ghostpix.com/)

charming pic of ghostie
Howdy! I like your unusual photo. The questions to follow are merely questions which other coast-to-coast-ers are going to ask.
1)Most movement detetectors use PIR (passive infra-red) If your camera uses this to trigger itself, does that mean that a ghost has a thermal signature? You might have to write to the mfg. to answer this one.
2) Could you draw a line on the door level with the top of the image's "head" and figure the parallax from the webcam's mounting point and come up with a good guess of the figure's height?
3) FYI it is very common for ghosts to omit their lower legs, feet, etc., ghosts of kids are really good at this, ask any parent....
4) The software controlling your camera....does it trigger the camera just ONCE if motion is detected, or would it snap another pic in 30 sec. or whatever, as long as motion continues?
have fun, my regards to your guest, (signed)

Peekaboo Ghost
I found your photo on the below web site, and viewed it using Adobe Photoshop Elements 2.0
I’m sorry to say but your photo HAS been altered. I can tell very easily, just by zooming in on the image.
http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page1078.html
I’m not saying you did it, but IT has been altered. There are too many “pixilated” inconsistencies surrounding the just the “ghostly” image that are not found anywhere else in the photo. Secondly, why have the door to your bedroom shut if you wanted to catch someone breaking into the house. Wouldn’t you want to catch them walking by the entrance to the room and just inside your room?
re. your photo on "coast to coast"
Michael - My doorknobs are 3 feet off the floor, so the "ghost" appears to be 4 feet tall, a naked little girl ( with very short hair ) leaning out ( not missing legs ) . Just my observations and thoughts on the photo.
(signed)

your photo on c2c
Hello, my name is ________________, with Manitou Investigations of the Paranormal. I saw your photo on c2c (Ive had two featured myself, and I'm always checking there for some good captures) and your photo impressed me! The quality of the photo as well as the placement of the anomoly is quite interesting. Add the background of the house, more than likely 19th century (outhouse)- and I believe you have a 'gen-u-wine' ghost as they say.
I took the liberty of analyzing the photo and have attached my results. As you can see, in the contour photo, the anomoly seems to be reflecting onto the door, meaning the anomoly itself is a light souce. There seems to be light coming from under the door, and the energy of that light could have been used by the 'ghost' to manifest. Also, in the others, you can clearly make out a 'head of hair', and perhaps a face if you look hard enough (I hate saying I see faces, it's usually the brain trying to put the image there when truly there is no face). But the hair is quite evident, I would say a young male. To me, it seems like the profile of the male, just strolling by.
I would love to know if you've experienced anything strange, any type of activity? In most cases, when a house is old, it's bound to leave an energy behind, but this does not mean the house is 'haunted'. A 'ghost' is an imprint, like a tape being played; there's no sentient presence there. A spirit however, is another story- they are actually there, sentient, 'left-behinds'. I'm leaning towards ghost in your case, but further investigating would of course be needed to say for certain.
There are things you can do, to further capture anomolies and investigate the matter yourself, if you were so inclined. Such as trying to get some EVP's, using flour, IR film, IR temp readings, EMF detectors, compasses, trigger objects, etc. If you'd like to know more about how to go about that, feel free to respond and I'll tell you all you need to do.
Again, I was very impressed with your photo, good capture! Hopefully you'll get some more. :-)

(signed)
Founder, Manitou Investigations of the Paranormal
(note: author attached 7 very interesting and likely time-consuming manipulations of the original photo.)

>>My Response
Wow, Thanks!

You obviously put a lot of time into this. I hope it's something you enjoy doing.

First off...let me just say, I have no idea what this is.

I see you are a paranormal investigator. What exactly does that mean? Do you remove ghosts and or spirits? (forgive my lack of knowledge) But are you like the Orkin man for the inexplicable? If so, what is your fee structure like and what services do you provide?

This pictures are fascinating. Thank you so much for sending them along.

As for IR fobbins and ER mahickeys, I'm afraid I wouldn't know the front end from the back end. I'm inept with anything more complex that an ATX motherboard.

-Michael

Webcam photo
Michael:
Hey, ____________ here. I am a certified paranormal investigator from Ghost Haunters (www.ghosthaunters.com). Loved the shot you got with your new web cam. All I can say is: I wish it was my shot! LOL. I really think you captured the energy of a little girl. Please keep shooting and sharing. Please feel free to send any pictures on to me, either at this address or my home address which is (address).
Again, awesome shot. I think if I got one like that, I might retire!!!
Have a spooky day.
(signed)

>>My Response
How would a shot like this allow you to retire? Do you think it's a ghost?
-Michael

little ghost
Dear Michael,
I have seen many photos that people think may be of ghosts. Sometimes I agree, many many times I do not. However, YOUR photo caught my eye. I am a spiritual sensitive. I spend much of my day communicating with the spirit world, as well as the physical world. Without even thinking about it, I immediately thought, "Oh, who is the little child?". If you have any questions about the spirit world, I would be happy to assist you via e-mail.
Peace and Light,
(signed)
www.drbrucegoldberg.com
Click on "Pleiadian Energy Healing" on the homepage.

>>My Response
Hi ___________,

Thanks for your kind words.
In fact, I have lots of questions about the spirit world. I don't even know where to begin. In fact, I'm a little embarassed, as I know nothing about it and my questions would probably be so droll you'd quickly grow fatigued by them.
But I'll start with a couple, and if you have the time, you can answer:
Where is it? Can I touch it? Does it have a taste? A smell? A sound? Do we live in more than one realm? Are we ghosts to the spirit realm? Is a mirror a portal to someplace else?
It's all so vexing!
Thanks for taking the time to write. It's so fascinating!
-Michael

Peekaboo Ghost!
Lens flare???! No way! (This is my 'ghost' stationery! :0) (Note: Author sent this to me in white font on white background.)
What a cool idea and I love your great ghost photo too! It IS a creative way of providing security - this is something I should have thought of myself! And NO! Do not leave! ha! Ooh, now try and grab an EVP and maybe George will have you on the show!
I think this little ghost is one of an seven or eight-year old girl - I see an antique, cream-colored, sack-like dress of the 1920's, and you're right, they never seem to have any legs! Any earlier in time and the dress would have been a bit longer, judging by the length of her torso; her dress is around what would have been her knees in my estimation.
She seems to have (had) blond hair with bangs which are parted in the middle with the rest tied back or in a braid, a common style for the time period. I see her right arm as being down at her side and her left elbow is bent with her left hand up around the base of her throat. She looks as though she is shy... but aware and curious about the 'new' equipment!
Also, the eerie thing to me is, though her head seems to be tilted to her right, it doesn't seem to be on its axis, if you know what I mean -- sort of off center and separated from her neck - maybe she just couldn't put herself together electro-magnetically!
I wonder if the reason her hand is up near her throat (or collar bone) and her head being somewhat off kilter, is because this is somehow related to how she passed away- like maybe she died of diphtheria, (high fever and difficulty breathing) which was a common cause of death of the young in those days, or maybe pertussis,(like whooping cough) since those are really old diseases!
Anyway, YES! Please send any further captures of the little girl ghost whenever you get them to C2C for all to see!
This makes ME want to get a Webcam now! ha! I didn't know it was so available - I also live in a two-story rented older home - Well, a duplex but it is like a house and was built in around 1930. There MUST be a ghost around here somewhere, huh? I live out in California but I'm sure 'they' don't mind!

Thanks for the cool story and photos!
Good Webcamming!

(signed)
:o)

ghost
I would never sleep in a room with a ghost or someone died in it..My bet is suicide is part of this story....The ghost looks like a male...there may be more..than one...keep me updated.I seen my first ghost when I was thirteen.. I have had all kinds of psychic experiences since then....I can hear that sad and mysterious x-files music....
(signed)

>>My Response
Whoa! I didn't even know I had a ghost. Now everyone's telling me I have a ghost. (Aside from the person who said I had Homer Simpson). Now you come in and tell me it's a suicidal ghost?
Cripes. If it's a suicidal ghost, I doubt I'll be able to get it to chip in on the rent.

-Michael

ghost cam on Coast to Coast
My name is ____ and I live south of you.
I am one of the investigators for the Iowa Center For Paranomal Research and I live in Washington and commute to Iowa City to work almost everyday.
I saw the picture that you submitted to the Coast to Coast site when i browsed it today. Interesting to say the least. If you would allow us to visit your residence, we would love to do so. We are very discrete and would keep everything private and protect your name.
We have a lot of experience in these matters (believe me-no one is an expert) and maybe we can do an investigation if you will permit. It consists of setting up cameras (some infrared) and tape recorders to see if we can capture anything on them. Also if you go to the county recorders office you might be able to look back and see who owned the residence that you live in. The cemetary might have something to do with it but usally spirits don't do a lot of roaming. They generally stick close to what they are familiar with (before death). Please let us know what you decide and if nothing else, if you have any questions feel free to ask me and i will do the best I can to answer them.
(signed)

Ghost Photo
Hi Michael,
Thanks very much for sending that over. I have enclosed an animated gif that I made from the two photos. From what I can tell, this thing leaves a shadow on the door. It also appears solid enough to block out the black spot that is on the door. I know this is supposed to be a ghost photo, but to me it looks like a grey alien. It appears solid and the lighting is definetly affected by it being there. Have you considered the alien hypothesis?

I have some more enhancements that I can send if you want to see them.
Thanks again for sending the "blank" photo it helps out a lot.
(signed)

>>My Response
Alien hypothosis? Can you explain this to me? Hopefully it doesn’t mean I’ll have to get probed.

-Michael

Ghosts?

Most of you know that I recently moved in to a new house. I don’t know much about it’s history, other than what my landlords tell me. …that is, they suspect the house was built in 1900. It’s obviously an old place. The bathroom was added as an addition sometime after the original house was built.

At any rate, it’s a great place. But it turns out, we may be paying rent for an extra “person.”

Over the weekend I went to Best Buy to spend the gift certificate I was given by my employer as a birthday present. For some time I’d been hoping to set up a security system at the house with a webcam and some cheap software. I managed to make it all work over the weekend, and dutifully turned it on this morning before I left for the office.

The way it works is this: the software instructs the camera to take a picture every time motion is detected. In addition to being stored on the local hard drive, these pictures are immediately emailed to me and uploaded to a remote (and hopefully secure server).

Imagine my surprise when this picture arrived in my mailbox this morning:

Some of my friends at work insist that it’s a ghost. Others aren’t quite sure what to make of it. I have no explanation other than it’s not lens flare. Who knows, maybe the house is haunted?

Good News, Guys!!!

In the words of the estimable O'Mara, "If this is true, I can smoke all I want."

SHIFT_marketing

Can’t just buy a care anymore. Noooosireee… You have to buy a lifestyle. Driving a 10y/o VW (Hitler’s Revenge) that, while fun to drive, hardly could be deemed a paragon of reliability. It was with that car that one day I found myself rather predictably, though unexpectedly, in the immediate position to buy a new car. Vroom vroom…off to the dealer’s I went.

My first choice was another VW, this time a Turbo Diesel. But the dealer proved to be less than accommodating, asking for $100 just for the privilege of negotiating up from dealer invoice. If driving a car is buying into a lifestyle, this was a far cry from the happy-yuppie lifestyle espoused by the VW brand identity in their commercials. Not wanting to take a good rodgering up the kiester from them, I wandered next door to the Nissan dealership.

They proved much more accommodating. When I left, I had an XTerra. I thought I bought a fairly decent 4x4. In fact, that’s what all the research I’d done beforehand suggested. But today I got something in the mail that told me something quite different. I didn’t, you see, just buy a car… Rather my purchase identified me as an apostle of the “SHIFT_philosophy.” Oh dear.

This news came to me courtesy of the US Mail. It was a little booklet filled with the history of the “SHIFT_philosophy” and what I can do to not just partake of the “SHIFT_philosophy” but to be an agent of change for the rest of the world. If this proves to be beyond my abilities, I am expected to at the very least evangelize this philosophy/brand everywhere I go. Shifty indeed.

From decals that they encouraged me to plaster on my vehicle (“Put the X badge on your window to show your dedication to the Xterra lifestyle,” they say), to invitations to shop at various brand authorized websites for purchasing Nissan related merchandise (called “SHIFT_gear”)…all geared towards promoting a brand and a lifestyle. Who knew?

It’s actually quite interesting to deconstruct. Literally the messaging is the idea. Read transparently, it reads “Shift underscore philosophy.” Shift what? Shift the perception to underscore the philosophy (which they will create for us), perhaps? Shift underscore the gear, mayhap? I can imagine the marketing types, sitting around a smoke filled ideation room, throwing ideas out. None of them seem terribly inspired. At last, one of the group, is struck by a mediocre bolt of inspiration (or a bolt of mediocre inspiration, I’m not quite sure how it works). He stands on the table and begins to speak, even as the idea is taking shape. “Come on people, these ideas are lame. We need to shift gears. Yes, we need to shift gears. And other things. We need a paradigm shift for the sheeple, err, consumers.” He pauses, his team is rapt with attention. They assume he's focusing his thoughts. They've seen him do this a million times. In reality, he's trying to decide whether his next bonus will be enough for him to buy that yellow 911 Porsche he's had his eye on. He mulls it over, quietly, tries to focus again on his original idea, and begins to speak.

“We are selling a philosophy!” he begins anew, fresh with newfound fervor. “And how are we going to underscore that?” he asks, with all the rhetoric of a Baptist preacher. His peers on the edge of their seats, awaiting revelation. “The underscore!” As if to punctuate his point, he points upwards with his right hand towards an invisible underscore only he and now his colleagues can see. “We’ll underscore everything that can turn a buck.”

“Amen!” rejoin his acolytes, in unison; sharing a vision.

“Because were not just selling cars,” he continued. “We’re selling lifestyle.” The impact of his statement settles in, and perhaps as an afterthought, “And philosophy!”

His words settle over the room like smoke. Somewhere a bit of overstuffed leather upholstery creaks, as if settling under the weight of this revelation.

“And merchandise!” chimes in one of the juniors, enthusiastically.

“Yes,” proclaims our hero. “And merchandise.”

CODA

Be sure to buy your genuine Nissan Poker Set at http://nissanshiftgear.com. In case the first time wasn’t enough, this exciting new product allows you to relive the experience of getting screwed by the dealer again!

Virtual Walkthrough of the New House

So I’m all moved in to the new place. My room mate Ange is in as well, as is “Kitty” the cat. So far the place seems nice. I have a couple of qualms about it. For one thing, the upstairs gets HOT AS HELL. Yes, even with the AC on. But hey, it’s a 100 year old house and it’s still standing. Another thing is that the kitchen window is broken and the landlord hasn't fixed it yet.

Virtual Walkthrough
So here are some crappy videos from the house. These are taken with my crappy cell phone, so deal with it. Also, you’ll need either QuickTime or VideoLan to see them. I only provide a link to VideoLan because it’s cooler, and by cooler I mean free and cross platform software released under the GPL. You can’t install QuickTime without installing iTunes. What’s up with that?

At any rate, here you go:

Front of House

All the cars in the driveway are from Ange's family who were kind enough to help her move in. Notice the chipping paint, the precarious way the mailbox is affixed to the house, and the general condition of the structure? I call that character.

Back of House

Starting with a fantastic shot of the parched grass, the scene pans upwards revealing the back porch, and back facade of the house. See the second floor? That's where it gets HOT!

Back Room

This shot is of the back room of the house. This will be used as the livingroom. From this room one can enter the kitchen or the far room (bedroom, hot chicks room, whatever you want to call it).

Far Room

This is a room without a purpose right now. Originally it was going to be Ange's room, but she preferred the insufferable heat of one of the upstairs rooms. Actually, I can't blame her. Though MUCH cooler on this level, it might not be fun to have a room right off the livingroom...especially if there are shennanigins going on in the livingroom.

Kitchen

Hang a right off the livingroom and you wind up in the kitchen, or more appropriately, the culinary studio...for this is where all the masterpieces of delectation are created. From the kitchen, one can enter the bathroom, the basement stairwell, or the foyer.

Bathroom

Here's the bathroom! And what a glorious bathroom it is. Originally added as an addition to the house sometime after the original building was constructed in 1900. This has all the modern conveniences of the contemporary bathroom: towel warmers, bidet, shower/tub, shitter, sinks, jacuzzi, heated floors, etc. (Note: I'm lying about the towel warmers, bidet, jacuzzi, heated floors, and especially the "etc".)

Foyer

How ironic that the most beautiful room in the house is the one we will probably use least. Except for coming and going, nobody has much reason to hang out in the foyer. Still, the diagonally laid hardwood floors are nice. There's a beveled glass window in the stairwell. All in all, this is probably the nicest room in the house.

Stairwell and Upstairs Hall

From the foyer, one can take a few steps up and arrive in the upper level of the house, or as we like to affectionately call it, the "upstairs." One has an interesting sensation when walking up the stairs, as it gets warmer in layers. I've identified the thermal layers in ascending order from coolest to warmest as:

1. Cool like first floor
2. Getting warmer
3. I should have worn boxers
4. Fuckin' hot
5. Our A/C must be decorative
   
6. I need a nap
   

Off the upstairs hallway is the office, Ange's bedroom, and my bedroom.

The Office

This is the office. This is where all the work gets done. And by work I mean surfing for midget porn and mindlessly clicking through thoughless websites like this one.

Ange's Room

This is Ange's room. It shares a wall with the office and is across the hall from my room. She hadn't moved in yet, so I hope she doesn't mind me showing it to the world!

My Room

Yay! Here it is! My room! This is actually the biggest room in the house (thanks Ange!). Though it gets a tad toasty, it's nice to have such spaceous digs. It has two ginormous closets (one at each end). Currently it also has an ass-bucket chair and an inflatable bed. I call the decorative motif faux ghetto.

Basement Stairs

Imagine the video of my room ended with the cameraman walking down the stairs through the foyer and into the kitchen. It is thair that one can access the stairway to Mordor...errr, the basement.

The Basement

(Que the mystery-music.) Well here it is, the basement. There's not much to say about it. The floor is concrete decorated with fly corpses. There's a door at each end, one of which is completely sealed off...the other is not. There's a couple of rooms down here that we don't go in. I think it's where the C.H.U.D.S. live. Otherwise it's home to a fine washing machine, dryer, and auxilliary shitter.

Front Porch

Last but not least is the front porch. It needs a good sweeping, and currently holds a couple of trash cans. When I took possession of the house, it also held: 2 50lb sandbags, a box spring, a matress, a dresser, a couple of crack whores, and a naked midget. Fortunately the landlord returned later that day and removed everything but the midget.

Support THIS Faith-Based Curriculum

One of the best and most reasonable stories of creation I've come across. I'd consider it a sign of hope for America if we could get equal time for teaching this in Kansas schools along with Intelligent Design and the Theory of Evolution.

The thought of the very prospect fills me with an inner glow rivalled only by that which results from being touched by his noodly appendage.